Sometimes I lay in bed and look over and there is no one there for me
There is nobody there to lean in and no one there to see
The tears that quietly roll down my face so cold and abundantly,
Which leave a trail upon my skin, the trial that begins to burn;
With the loneliness that consumes me, leaving me taciturn
There was once a time where I had it all and I couldn’t want for more
But still I was just so empty and more desolate than before
I had the money, a car, no man but a job that paved the way
I remember not having to awake or go to work each day
When I would call out so leisurely and casually walked the town
I watched others pick up pennies, while I threw dollars on the ground.
I would make my deals 5 times a week making 300 cash
Four weeks a month multiply by 3 damn that 1200 fast.
I gave them the product and I got the cash that was due to me
I bagged the product moved the green and all with the power of greed
300 a week and 800 a month that left me with 2G’s
I still wasn’t happy I needed more I had to keep feeding my need
So I got my third and finally job, so you knew that meant more green
Now let’s add 200 more to the pot, yes 200 a week.
That’s 800, 1200, 800 and that is 2800 with ease
Damn that was money and as fast it was made it spent just as easily.
There was nothing I couldn’t acquire and nothing I could not achieve
They say u don’t miss something till it’s gone, but me I thought it would never leave.
Paper chasing was never hard for me because I never really had to chase
However, all the good things come to an end and I had to take my fall from grace.
The money slowed down and suppliers were tight and the cops were always around
Now I had move in the dark ness like thief trying to rob my own town
I gave up my product because I had to get out, to make a clean unseen break
My “friends” were getting closed in on and some couldn’t even escape.
So I gave up the money and the lavish expenses to keep my freedom and pride.
With each day I got further from the game I felt a bigger part of me die.
I wanted to go back I wanted to try but I knew that it wasn’t in me
So I held on to freedom and swallowed my pride and broke out with my sanity
So I worked on my job and I got my good pay but I could barely make ends met
But I held on to faith so he bring me through so wouldn’t go back to the street.
All of this seemed ages ago man I was only 21 with 2800 a month
I was a lioness who ahead of the pack and the money was always my hunt.
Ask any of my friends they never knew how deep my pockets had went
They never saw how I made the money they just knew it was well spent
But little by little I lost it all and basically had nothing to show
I had no car to ride in, no job and no place to go.
To go from 2800 to nothing believe me the fall was hard.
Nothing can ever amount to it and nothing can hide these scars
But I don’t cry because of the money, I cry to look how far I have come
I made out with my life and my dignity and survived when I even had none.
Now I look at left side of the bed and for heaven sakes I see you.
So independent and beautiful, like a creature I have never knew.
You skin so soft and heavenly, your lips in a perfect poise
You’re the realest thing I have ever known the only thing I have to drown out the noise.
I thank the lord for the little things the way u smell after your bath.
The way you yawn when you’re tired and even the way that you laugh
It hard to imagine I was nearly not here to experience the things you do
But I curl under you as you pull me close and I settle in the warmth of you
I close my eyes and I rest my head and fantasize of the things to come
And I drift off into the peaceful slumber as my body goes undeniably numb
I feel immersed in sounds of the room and the tick of the broken old watch
As I lay in the next to you and reminisce of the life that was damaged and now is botched
Then before I know it the sun peaks over the pane and through the shutter cracked slit
I threw the pillow off of my head and brought my body up to sit
I looked to the left side of the bed the whole surface seemed intact
Then I put my hands to my face I need a minute to back track.
I was overcome with pain and ridden with self-doubt
I felt like it was the moment to cry but my tears have finally ran out
But I still had to hid face from the world because I knew I really looked bad
Because I was a broken 23 year old who missed the love she never had
I can’t let the world of hateful people see me cut open and crying
But I knew and my friends knew that inside pieces of me were dying
They would tell me every day, “leshon pull it together it really isn’t that bad,
You can’t walk this world missing the shit that you never had”
Well I can, I don’t know why or how or if I’m even sad
Because he never told me recovery would be this bad
I just keep waking up every morning, realizing that he isn’t there.
So now tell me honestly what part of that is fair?
Why am I broken, why am I hurt, why does this world have to be so mean?
But until I get the answers I deserve all I can do is dream,
of you lying beside me holding me tight as if you’re keeping me whole
dream of me reaching for you at night so your touch can keep intact my soul.
You leaving your lip prints on my forehead making me feel so in love
You hold my hand at every time we pray to the lord holy savior above.
And though love is totally inanimate and as frivolous as it may seem
I hold on to all the little things and pray someday it may no longer be a dream.
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